yes its me and yes yes its been a while but I feel the urge to write something once again, something dark and personal. “But, but arv!”, you might say now, “Isn’t every one of your seldomly appearing posts about something personal? You are a very egocentric person!”
Yeah well, they probably are and I probably am, but… you know… its my 34th birthday and my blog and its time for a little self-reflection. As usual more for myself than for anybody else, although I might spread the link to some carefully selected individuals and let Google do the rest.
So here we go.
I feel like shit. I think Im losing it. Not my mind (yet), but my fun for life. For basically everything. I drink and smoke every night, sometimes more (when im out) sometimes less (when im home), just to be able to push the things aside which are constantly bothering me and they always keep coming back and hit me in the face first thing in the morning – more often than not accompanied by a nice hangover as well. That went well for quite some years. My consumption levels are surely above “what the doctor sais” but also pretty constant and not going anywhere, as far as I can tell. The issue is, you guessed it, that the underlying problems remain. And not only that, they are getting worse by the day. Here is a (incomplete) list:
- I have a cold. Im sneezing and coughing for over a year now and it never stops. No matter if I call in sick and stay in bed or just ignore it and wait, it never disappears. The doctor sais there’s not much she can do about it and suggests drinking hot tea. Its like my immune system is not strong enough to fight it. I’ve been to a couple of specialists to check out my throat, my lungs, my nostrils and whatnot. They just don’t have anything.
- I have bad teeth. Very, very bad teeth. The kind of teeth you would not include in the dentist-movie for kids because it would be too cruel. I already have a prosthesis (well, two in fact) but its falling apart. I badly need to see a dentist, but I didn’t for 5 years now. Im scared as shit and push it away year after year and I fear that I long overstayed my welcome in that regard. The last time I tried to make an appointment I disconnected the phone and had a panic attack lying on my sofa, shivering. That was 2 years ago.
- I have a problem with my appetite. I can barely eat after getting up (means, no breakfast) and to get a little bit hungry for lunchtime I better have a joint handy to smoke some beforehand. To counter that I spoil myself with expensive food (which I often barely eat up) and spend way too much money on it.
- I have stomach problems (probably related to the thing above, but my mother has it too). It hurts every now and then and its super-easy to make it puke. Really, sucking on a cigarette at the wrong moment can already be enough to get it started. I learned to be careful enough for it to usually not happen but its not normal.
- I have bad skin. This really is the least of my health-problems and probably a result of me not eating and drinking balanced enough in combination with not caring for it too much (like, using creme or something). It makes me look older and more worn out than I actually am. Or am I? Fuck, I think I am old.
- In addition to my health problems I also have social problems. Im an introvert and happen to have a very low amount of self-esteem. As a result I often take things way too personal. At work and in my fixed role as a supporter I don’t have much of a problem and I manage to talk professionally to people I never met (and most likely never will) but outside of this cage every human contact requires me to pull myself together. And not only with strangers but also with my friends. Text communication is easier for me, mostly because I have more time to think about it, but its still there. As a result I often prefer to hide myself in my virtual world with my online and demoscene friends, people I can just run away from when I feel like it without being too strange. Good thing they invented smartphones, no?
- Oh and naturally I am of course also a lazy, spoiled, procrastinating motherfucker. Which means my place is dirty, my money is always close to gone, my imaginary todo-list runs out of pages to write on and a (working) relationship only exists in the books and movies I consume. And sometimes in my mind.
Well OK, so you have a bunch of problems in your life and every one of them appears to be solvable or at least acceptable. Show me one person who doesn’t, whats the big deal?
The deal is: the motivation and strength to work on me is not there. In fact there is no motivation at all. I kept wrapping myself in the warm blanket of thinking it just needs to hurt enough for me to do something about it, but I slowly realize that is not going to happen – at least not unless the damage done gets really irreversible. I don’t care about my life, about my health, not enough about the people to whom I am important to, I don’t have dreams or any perspective, I don’t fucking care about my future. Its like there is nothing worth living for out there for me anymore and maybe there never was. Im spending my time with whatever comes to me (mostly computer things) just to find out I don’t enjoy it anymore – at least not remotely as much as I used to back in the days. I feel like I am turning into a hollow human shell, hunting for bits of emotion, no matter if positive or not.
Im neither suicidal nor depressive (well, as far as I know – depression seems to be a thing these days), but the last years of my life have been nothing but escapism and slow degeneration. What makes this even worse is the fact that there are so many people out there who’s fate is so much worse than mine. People with a will to fight but with no chances and no freedom, while I have all the freedom and chances I could wish for but not the will to actually use them. Do you sometimes cry if you read the news? I know I do, because I feel guilty.
With just the right amount of drugs, alcohol and friends I can still push all that away and of course there’s always happier and sadder times (also its all dark outside these days), but I feel that is more part of the problem than part of the solution.
What is this place and how do I get back home?
I don’t think I have an App for that.
– arv out